“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”
Everyone has their fair share of scars. Me on the other hand, well, I have more than others, ten alone just on my knuckles. Everyone has their stories; me, I prefer not to tell mine, but this has been bottled up inside me for six years now. I think it’s funny, I always see these movies where the good girl always gets pushed around by some guy and everyone always says, “That doesn‘t really happen in real life.“ Well,. to me it did. I must tell my story from start to finish, leaving out no details.
My name is Julie I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone‘s business. Well, not everyone knew my business. I have the typical American life. My parents are still together; they love me unconditionally. I‘m an only child, so some people would say I‘m spoiled. I always got straight A’s, did well in sports, had a lot of friends. But there’s a lot of things people don’t know about me - things people would never have guessed. I wasn’t always the clean, strong willed girl I am today.
I remember it as if it were yesterday. Walking into my first day of eighth grade. I was more developed than the rest of the girls and felt rather out of place. All the guys staring at me as I walked down the hallway. In eighth grade we got to pick what language we wanted to take of course I picked French because I’d get to go to the high school and look at all of the older boys, and the girls I wish I could look like and hope to be like when I got into high school. When I walked into the school I actually felt like I fit in, well my body fit in at least, I don’t think I did that much. All the girls were so tall, pretty, and mature, and the boys well they were the typical high school boy tall, had the athletic body, and the pretty girlfriend. There were a lot of cliques it was so hard to actually look at everyone you had the cheerleaders, the jocks, and of course the nerds. Then I seen him. I was glued to him at once he was tall and had the muscles. He was everything that the boys in my grade didn’t have, and everything that I wanted. But why would a high school boy go for an eighth grader. He was three years older than me he could never go for me. I asked around and found out his name was Josh, and luckily for me he didn’t have a girlfriend. But he’d never go for me.
As the semester went on I knew I had to talk to him. I had one of my friends from high school talk to him for me, because I could never talk to an older guy especially never have dated anyone. Whenever I had to go to the high school he would always be waiting for me at my locker which I thought was the sweetest thing, he could never get much conversation in, just hi, how are you, see you later, because we only had five minutes in between classes.
One day he asked me to be his “girlfriend” know I had no idea what this meant because I’d never had a “real boyfriend” before I’ve always just had the guy friends who said they liked me. But of course I said yes who wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend he was gorgeous. I always loved bragging to the rest of my friends that I had a boyfriend who was in the high school. At first it was very awkward I was scared I’d say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and drive him away. I asked one of my best friends Lacey how to act around a guy because she’s had plenty of boyfriends before. Whenever I would see him I’d do the little flirty things Lacey told me to do the whole “talking with my eyes”, “rubbing his arm” , and “laughing at his joke, even if they weren’t funny”. Then one day before I went to class he kissed me. My face lit up like a tomato I was embarrassed so I quickly ran to class I didn’t want him to think I was some little girl who’s never been kissed before even though I was.
My parents knew I was hanging around with Josh they just didn’t know how serious it had gotten for me. They were a little hesitant because he was three years older than me, and in the high school. But I knew it was time for them to meet him. He drove over for super one day which I though was the coolest thing that I had a boyfriend who could drive me places. Things started out a little slow but then him and my dad started talking about football and other sports. My mom absolutely loved him because he’d hold out the chair for me used please and thank you, and thanked her for cooking the meal. At the end of the night I walked him to his car where he gave me a long good night kiss. I was finally getting used to this whole kissing thing.
When I got my monthly report card in school my grades were slipping. But how could I help it all I could think about was him, his gorgeous blue eyes, his blonde hair, and his giant muscles. I couldn’t get him off my mind whenever a teacher would say something in class my mind would wonder to him. I tried to concentrate but I just couldn’t. When my parents got mailed the letter that my grades were slipping they wouldn’t let me see him until my grades were back where they needed to be. So I did everything that I could to make sure my grades went back up. I stayed after school did extra work. By next report card they were where they needed to be again. Now that my grades were up I could see him again.
After awhile my parents said that I could stay the night at his house. I loved being at his house we got the privacy that I wanted because his parents were divorced and his mom was always at work and his little brother would still be at school. But course we did nothing else but kissing but still knowing that no parents would walk in on you made it a lot better. We would sleep in different rooms until his mom fell asleep then he would come into where I was sleeping. Of course his little brother being seven told on us and I wouldn’t be aloud to stay the night if this kept happening.
It was the day of one of my softball games, and sure enough he was there to bring me flowers like the perfect guy would do. All my friends were jealous wishing they had an older guy. It was almost the ending of the game we were down by one I was on third base I knew that I had to steal for home plate I won the game but I cut up my leg pretty bad and the whole side of my leg was one big bruise. However that game was the best I’ve played in a long time maybe it was because I was actually happy and didn’t feel so alone anymore. That night all the softball girls stayed the night at Lacey’s house her house was the “hang out” place. We would do all of the typical things paint each other toe nails give each other facials and talk about the latest gossip around school. But I thought I was too mature for all of that silly gossip, but looking back now I wish I was more involved with my friends.
I had the perfect life loving and caring parents, I wonderful perfect boyfriend, good grades, and I was the perfect all around athlete. But of course not every story has a happy ending.
One night when I went to his house it was just me him and his little brother Alex. Alex merged into his room without even a simple knock, know we weren’t doing anything but that’s besides the fact, and of course he was only seven years old but still he knew the polite thing to do. This is the day I seen a different side of him the day he would become the monster. He took his little brother by the throat and slammed him against the wall. I didn’t think anything of it because my cousins would do the same thing to each other but when I seen his face turning purple I knew this wasn’t just joking around. I tried to pull him off of Alex but he was too strong for me. I grabbed Alex as hard so I could and pushed him out the door. He then turned around and pushed me to the floor, and what came next I never would have imagined. He punched me in the face, my face swelled instantly. It was as black as a starless night and as purple as a plum. I started listening reasons of why he did this maybe he thought I was Alex or maybe he was just so angry he couldn’t help it. But either way I was lucky that my parents were on my way to come get me because I didn‘t know what would happen if they weren’t. But what he said to me before we left I’d never forget you tell anyone and you’ll regret it.
I told my parents during softball practice we were catching balls when our coach was hitting to us and wouldn’t you know I missed it and it hit me right square in the eye. Of course my parents believed me cause well I can be rather of a klutz. I didn’t quit know what I was going to do for school the next morning, so I made my parents go out and get me a lot of make-up.
I put on pounds of make-up, hoping no one would notice the huge planet-like black and blue mark but there was no hiding it. The next morning I had to come up with yet again another story of what I would tell the kids at school I knew I couldn’t use the softball story because the girls on my team knew that didn’t happen. So I told them I left my bathroom cabinet open and well I walked right into it. Everyone had their doubts at first but they all knew how much of a klutz I really was. That day I had to go to the high school I was shaking with fear as I walked down the hallway to my locker. Long behold he was there with flowers waiting for me. He apologized for last night and had no idea what he was doing he must of blacked out from what he was doing to his brother he said he’s never done anything like that before and it would never happen again. Of course I forgave him I was in love. He then said “I love you” I was completely and utterly thrown away by this I couldn’t believe it he told me he loved me. I forgot everything that happened just the night before. I was love struck.
That night I stayed the night at his house it was our typical night watching movies and making out but this time it was different. He slowly stuck his hands down my pants. I pulled his hand out from my pants he smacked me across the face he said “you love me right” I replied “yes” because of course I did. He said “then let me do this” I was scared but I let him he then grabbed my hand and stuck it down his pants all I could fell was hard and wronging. I told him that I didn’t like this, he then smacked me again. I finally gave into him. He pulled my pants down and rolled me to my stomach he put himself in me not in the romantic way he pressed himself in me hard and fast, it was the worst possible feeling. But this wasn’t sex. This wasn’t the passionate way everyone talked about loosing their virginity. I was stolen from my innocence. This was rape “Or was it?” I kept replaying over and over to myself. Can it be rape after all he is my boyfriend and I’m not stopping him and he does love me and I love me so it can’t be rape. But if did try to stop him but he kept hurting me “ I was scared “ “ I was scared” I didn’t know what he’d do if I really tried to stop him. Would he just beat on me and beat on me until he knocked me out. After what seemed to be my punishment he went to the bathroom to “cool off” I suppose.
I didn’t know what to do who to turn to I couldn’t even tell my best friend Lacey. Especially because I haven’t talked to her in so long because I was wrapped up in my new love I had completely blown her off. So I kept it all bottled inside but it got worse and worse. He got smarter and would punch me in the back somewhere where people wouldn’t see the bruises. I had no idea where my sweet perfect boyfriend went and why he left. But then I found the pills he had to have been using them for awhile because there was numerous bottles. I knew that these were making him turn into the monster that he was becoming. I tried to tell him that I wanted the old him back but he told me I had no idea what I was talking about and that I was crazy. I didn’t know why he was taking the pills he wasn’t the head quarter back on the football team or the star of the basketball team.
When I knew there was nothing I could do I would sit in my room and cry for hours and hours. why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this kind of pain and torture? I didn’t know how to let this pain out so I did the only thing I could think of I’d run my knuckles up and down the walls my knuckles would cut open and drip blood. When that didn’t relief anything I would take my electric razor and press it onto my wrist. I wasn’t looking for a way out just looking to relive some pain. Once he seen I was doing this to myself he left me.
My parents knew there was something wrong but I just said I had a broken heart from him leaving me but really that was the only thing keeping me going know I wasn’t under his spell any longer. I separated myself from all of my friends. I was a totally new person the old me was gone the one that like to laugh, and joke around, but most of all my innocence had been taken from me.
I didn’t know what to do anymore dance was the only thing that kept me sane. When I danced, my body was expressing itself. All the pain that I had bottled up inside I let out through dance.
I was in high school now and I realized I no longer wanted to be this scared little girl anymore. I knew this wasn’t me this wasn’t the person my parents raised me to be. They taught me to be independent when I fall to get back onto my feet. Too never let a boy control you. I wanted my old life back, and I did just that. After I got my life back on track everything turned out for the better.
My name is Julie, and, even six years later, I can still remember every little detail that happened to me in that short one year of my life. Even everything that happened to me I don’t regret or put any blame onto myself. I’m a stronger person and if you don’t learn from your mistakes you can never be a better person. So remember: “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
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